They Really Are That Simple

Hi Mary! For years I have had countless men tell me that I need to stop analyzing guys' actions, because they really are THAT simple. And, over the past 6 months, and with the help of Mary Jane, I have been able to accept these terms. Here are a few examples of what I've learned:

• If he doesn't call you, it's no use analyzing why. He either can't, or he won't -either way it's the same result
• Men like to pursue, so let them. Don't send thank you texts after a first date - just be sure to thank them when you part that evening.
• This one is controversial, but one of my East Coast Marys (actually several) always said it's good to have a man love you just a tiny sliver of a bit more -- he'll work harder for it. Look for a guy who considers you, and is thoughtful -- and, of course, desires you

So ... with all of this being said, today I was reading with my dear little Oswaldo, and he told me about this girl who had a crush on him. Two weeks ago he was frightened by the thought of her actually liking him, and now he was her boyfriend. What changed I asked (and, yes, I honestly asked a 2nd grader that as if he were my 30-something yr. old girlfriend I was having coffee with)? His answer? "All I can say is she gave me Cheetos."

Who Doesn't Love Lloyd Dobler?

Hi Mary! So, this weekend was Big Sunday, which is a huge volunteer event in Los Angeles. Well, I signed up for a "singles" event, helping with pet adoptions for this past Saturday.

I got in very late on Friday night and checked my email to confirm where exactly I'd be going to volunteer. You can imagine my surprise when I read this:



"Attached/Below is information for the gay and lesbian "singles" volunteer event- The Pet Adoption Fair on Saturday (tomorrow!). It should be a really exciting and fulfilling event. Let me know if you have any questions."



Ummm...yes, Jennifer, I actually have a couple of questions for you. I admit that I've struggled to find the right guy for me, but have I really exhausted all the men in Los Angeles? Is someone telling me I need to switch teams, because I gotta be honest, I'm just not there yet.

Recruiting a Couple of Fans

Hi Mary! I came across this web series on http://www.funnyordie.com/, and I thought there was a little something to it. I mean what girl doesn't want a couple of fans around to support her in the world of dating. I know I sure could have used a couple when I drunk texted the other weekend!

So, calling all fans ...

Some Girls Want the Fluffy Declaration of Love... I Want the Real Declaration

Hi Mary!
You know how some of your girlfriends have that sappy love story, about how he confessed his feelings, or the romantic proposal under the stars? Well, I have a feeling that they way it goes down for me will be much more like this scene from "When Harry Met Sally."

Thanks Mary Jones for the fantastic V-Day present!

I know what's going on here

Hi Mary! Remember when I was talking about my faux date (weeks back)? Well, nothing ever materialized, because he's in a relationship. And we all know what that means: he's on the shelf. So, I'm curious. How many of you women out there have been in a situation where a guy is CLEARLY flirting with you, but never says one direct line so that you can call him on it?

It's Wedding Season ... And For Some Reason, I'm Feeling Pewter

I have quite a few weddings coming up this Spring/Summer and that has me on the hunt for a new dress. J Crew has some really cute ones. Check them out:

Cyber Stalker ... And pretty proud of it

Hi Mary! Do you remember the days when you would be set up on a blind date by your friend and all the information you got was his name? I'd always be so curious, wanting to know if Bill was cute, stylish, or even funny. Well now thanks to Google search and Facebook, I can find out almost anything. I've gone so far as to have friends Facebook someone so I can get the info. I'm so crafty at my P.I. work that I've been nicknamed Harriet the Spy.

But the question is, does it taint that first meeting? Does knowing he has 474 friends or that he travels with his family on European vacations (Facebook photo albums can give you a lot of info) set you up for investing too much? I mean if the guy's Facebook is set to public (or even a certain network) you can find out a lot --- and tell yourself he's perfect! All the while, you're forgetting that you don't even know him!

No More Unavailable Men

Hi Mary! I spent last night bonding with my girls from book club, and I had a mini-epiphany. Here I am, in my 30s single, and all my younger Marys (barely half way through their 20s) are all in these healthy relationships with great guys. What's the common denominator you ask? They're dating AVAILABLE men and they believe they're worth it.

Now I'm not quite sure why I seem to draw in the guys who forget to call, are in "complicated" relationships, or can't be bothered to spend the night, but it's a new year and I'm ready for a new type of man. I'm done with giving guys second chances, and ultimately being disappointed.

As one of my younger Marys last night said "If the guy isn't pursuing you, then he's just not the one for you." It sounds like a pretty simple piece of advice to abide by, but all the single ladies out there understand that it's harder than that. It's like you lie to yourself, telling yourself that sometimes things can be bumpy. Maybe he's not calling like you'd want, but maybe you need to be more casual? My response? Fuck that. I want a guy who has the decency to return a phone call, or better yet not hang out with me if he's not sure.

In the meantime, I'll be the one of the few single ladies going to see "He's Just Not That Into You" on Sunday, amidst a sea of 20-somethings who haven't had a decade of bad dating behind them. But you know what? Good for them!

I Always Had a Thing for the Funny Guys

Hi Mary! This video is hilarious! Now if only I could find a funny Jew ...

A Mary Gone ... Crazy

Hi Mary! I recently went on a faux date with a guy who is in a relationship. I know, I know ... it's terrible. But, don't worry! I'm smart enough to know those things never end well, and honestly, I don't even know if he just saw it as platonic. We had a great day, and he never once mentioned "her", but I found out later that there was indeed a her. So I'm putting that one on the shelf.

This leads me to this devestatingly hilarious video that one of my Marys sent to me. Apparently, the woman in the clip has put together several videos for the man she loves. They are broken up now, and he is (and apparently has been) with his wife for sometime now.

She clearly put a lot of time into this video, and it's a little "I'll boil your bunny", and exactly why men think women are crazy.

Check out how she reenacts famous movie scenes.

Cultural Litmus Test for Daters

The intermittent comments along the way are crucial, but so are the quiet moments you each take in.

Hi Mary! I recently went to a museum on a faux date, and realized that you can learn a lot about someone while perusing art. It's sort of like a dance. The two of you move in tandem -- excusing one another, you move forward to read about the piece, as he steps back focusing on the art itself. The intermittent comments along the way are crucial, but so are the quiet moments you each take in.
It's pretty intimate if I do say so myself -- and a true litmus test to his cultural awareness.
Following it up afterwards with a great conversation over beers is even better. Why, you ask? It means he's both sophisticated and down to earth. What girl doesn't like that?
Now if only my faux date was a real date.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry - They Don't Call Them That for Nothing

Apparently the Mary - Larry combo has been around for awhile, so long that one might call it vintage!

Top 10 Worst Cars to Date .. and the Men who Drive Them

Hi Mary! Have you ever heard that saying that you have to kiss your fair share of toads before you find your prince? Well, apparently in Los Angeles, you have to ride in you fair share of tacky cars, before you find your man.

And let me put a disclaimer out there, that I am no snob when it comes to cars. I'm just assuming he drives a normal car, as do I. And while the car they drive is telling, I'm equally impressed if they actually open the door for me.

A man who drives a "normal" car and doesn't let keyless entry get in the way of being chivalrous = a keeper for sure!

You need to be on the lookout for deal breakers, and the cars below qualify. If you come across any of these while dating, don't be fooled, by his nice guy act. There's a few skeletons in his closet -- can you say C-H-E-E-S-Y?

1. Rumble Bee

2. Mitsubishi Eclipse Convertible

3. Mazda Miata

4. Hummer

5. Camaro Z-28 T-Top

6. Mini-van

7. Dirtees Car (Anything with duck tape holding it together)

8. Pimped-out Escort = The Freshcort

9. VW Convertible Bug--- isn't bad on its own, but with Batman floormats it is!

10. PT Cruiser -- Electric Blue (this one goes out to British Mary)

Sending Some Love To My Matzah Mary

A couple of my Marys are having a rough day today, so here's a little laugh I know they'll both love!

The quality is crappy, but you'll get the laugh.