They Really Are That Simple

Hi Mary! For years I have had countless men tell me that I need to stop analyzing guys' actions, because they really are THAT simple. And, over the past 6 months, and with the help of Mary Jane, I have been able to accept these terms. Here are a few examples of what I've learned:

• If he doesn't call you, it's no use analyzing why. He either can't, or he won't -either way it's the same result
• Men like to pursue, so let them. Don't send thank you texts after a first date - just be sure to thank them when you part that evening.
• This one is controversial, but one of my East Coast Marys (actually several) always said it's good to have a man love you just a tiny sliver of a bit more -- he'll work harder for it. Look for a guy who considers you, and is thoughtful -- and, of course, desires you

So ... with all of this being said, today I was reading with my dear little Oswaldo, and he told me about this girl who had a crush on him. Two weeks ago he was frightened by the thought of her actually liking him, and now he was her boyfriend. What changed I asked (and, yes, I honestly asked a 2nd grader that as if he were my 30-something yr. old girlfriend I was having coffee with)? His answer? "All I can say is she gave me Cheetos."

Who Doesn't Love Lloyd Dobler?

Hi Mary! So, this weekend was Big Sunday, which is a huge volunteer event in Los Angeles. Well, I signed up for a "singles" event, helping with pet adoptions for this past Saturday.

I got in very late on Friday night and checked my email to confirm where exactly I'd be going to volunteer. You can imagine my surprise when I read this:



"Attached/Below is information for the gay and lesbian "singles" volunteer event- The Pet Adoption Fair on Saturday (tomorrow!). It should be a really exciting and fulfilling event. Let me know if you have any questions."



Ummm...yes, Jennifer, I actually have a couple of questions for you. I admit that I've struggled to find the right guy for me, but have I really exhausted all the men in Los Angeles? Is someone telling me I need to switch teams, because I gotta be honest, I'm just not there yet.

Recruiting a Couple of Fans

Hi Mary! I came across this web series on http://www.funnyordie.com/, and I thought there was a little something to it. I mean what girl doesn't want a couple of fans around to support her in the world of dating. I know I sure could have used a couple when I drunk texted the other weekend!

So, calling all fans ...

Some Girls Want the Fluffy Declaration of Love... I Want the Real Declaration

Hi Mary!
You know how some of your girlfriends have that sappy love story, about how he confessed his feelings, or the romantic proposal under the stars? Well, I have a feeling that they way it goes down for me will be much more like this scene from "When Harry Met Sally."

Thanks Mary Jones for the fantastic V-Day present!

I know what's going on here

Hi Mary! Remember when I was talking about my faux date (weeks back)? Well, nothing ever materialized, because he's in a relationship. And we all know what that means: he's on the shelf. So, I'm curious. How many of you women out there have been in a situation where a guy is CLEARLY flirting with you, but never says one direct line so that you can call him on it?

It's Wedding Season ... And For Some Reason, I'm Feeling Pewter

I have quite a few weddings coming up this Spring/Summer and that has me on the hunt for a new dress. J Crew has some really cute ones. Check them out:

Cyber Stalker ... And pretty proud of it

Hi Mary! Do you remember the days when you would be set up on a blind date by your friend and all the information you got was his name? I'd always be so curious, wanting to know if Bill was cute, stylish, or even funny. Well now thanks to Google search and Facebook, I can find out almost anything. I've gone so far as to have friends Facebook someone so I can get the info. I'm so crafty at my P.I. work that I've been nicknamed Harriet the Spy.

But the question is, does it taint that first meeting? Does knowing he has 474 friends or that he travels with his family on European vacations (Facebook photo albums can give you a lot of info) set you up for investing too much? I mean if the guy's Facebook is set to public (or even a certain network) you can find out a lot --- and tell yourself he's perfect! All the while, you're forgetting that you don't even know him!

No More Unavailable Men

Hi Mary! I spent last night bonding with my girls from book club, and I had a mini-epiphany. Here I am, in my 30s single, and all my younger Marys (barely half way through their 20s) are all in these healthy relationships with great guys. What's the common denominator you ask? They're dating AVAILABLE men and they believe they're worth it.

Now I'm not quite sure why I seem to draw in the guys who forget to call, are in "complicated" relationships, or can't be bothered to spend the night, but it's a new year and I'm ready for a new type of man. I'm done with giving guys second chances, and ultimately being disappointed.

As one of my younger Marys last night said "If the guy isn't pursuing you, then he's just not the one for you." It sounds like a pretty simple piece of advice to abide by, but all the single ladies out there understand that it's harder than that. It's like you lie to yourself, telling yourself that sometimes things can be bumpy. Maybe he's not calling like you'd want, but maybe you need to be more casual? My response? Fuck that. I want a guy who has the decency to return a phone call, or better yet not hang out with me if he's not sure.

In the meantime, I'll be the one of the few single ladies going to see "He's Just Not That Into You" on Sunday, amidst a sea of 20-somethings who haven't had a decade of bad dating behind them. But you know what? Good for them!

I Always Had a Thing for the Funny Guys

Hi Mary! This video is hilarious! Now if only I could find a funny Jew ...

A Mary Gone ... Crazy

Hi Mary! I recently went on a faux date with a guy who is in a relationship. I know, I know ... it's terrible. But, don't worry! I'm smart enough to know those things never end well, and honestly, I don't even know if he just saw it as platonic. We had a great day, and he never once mentioned "her", but I found out later that there was indeed a her. So I'm putting that one on the shelf.

This leads me to this devestatingly hilarious video that one of my Marys sent to me. Apparently, the woman in the clip has put together several videos for the man she loves. They are broken up now, and he is (and apparently has been) with his wife for sometime now.

She clearly put a lot of time into this video, and it's a little "I'll boil your bunny", and exactly why men think women are crazy.

Check out how she reenacts famous movie scenes.

Cultural Litmus Test for Daters

The intermittent comments along the way are crucial, but so are the quiet moments you each take in.

Hi Mary! I recently went to a museum on a faux date, and realized that you can learn a lot about someone while perusing art. It's sort of like a dance. The two of you move in tandem -- excusing one another, you move forward to read about the piece, as he steps back focusing on the art itself. The intermittent comments along the way are crucial, but so are the quiet moments you each take in.
It's pretty intimate if I do say so myself -- and a true litmus test to his cultural awareness.
Following it up afterwards with a great conversation over beers is even better. Why, you ask? It means he's both sophisticated and down to earth. What girl doesn't like that?
Now if only my faux date was a real date.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry - They Don't Call Them That for Nothing

Apparently the Mary - Larry combo has been around for awhile, so long that one might call it vintage!

Top 10 Worst Cars to Date .. and the Men who Drive Them

Hi Mary! Have you ever heard that saying that you have to kiss your fair share of toads before you find your prince? Well, apparently in Los Angeles, you have to ride in you fair share of tacky cars, before you find your man.

And let me put a disclaimer out there, that I am no snob when it comes to cars. I'm just assuming he drives a normal car, as do I. And while the car they drive is telling, I'm equally impressed if they actually open the door for me.

A man who drives a "normal" car and doesn't let keyless entry get in the way of being chivalrous = a keeper for sure!

You need to be on the lookout for deal breakers, and the cars below qualify. If you come across any of these while dating, don't be fooled, by his nice guy act. There's a few skeletons in his closet -- can you say C-H-E-E-S-Y?

1. Rumble Bee

2. Mitsubishi Eclipse Convertible

3. Mazda Miata

4. Hummer

5. Camaro Z-28 T-Top

6. Mini-van

7. Dirtees Car (Anything with duck tape holding it together)

8. Pimped-out Escort = The Freshcort

9. VW Convertible Bug--- isn't bad on its own, but with Batman floormats it is!

10. PT Cruiser -- Electric Blue (this one goes out to British Mary)

Sending Some Love To My Matzah Mary

A couple of my Marys are having a rough day today, so here's a little laugh I know they'll both love!

The quality is crappy, but you'll get the laugh.

Couples shop at Trader Joes, Singles Shop at ...

MARY OLSON (episode 1): "Girl's Night Out" - watch more funny videos

MANIFESTING

One of my Marys believes in manifesting. I'm starting to think there's something to it!

The BBC

He was cute, smart, charming --- and had an accent. If only that would have been enough!

As you know I'm fond of nicknames, so I named my latest British import appropriately -- the BBC. Not only was he everything I listed above, but he also was a hunter, and I happily surrendered to be his prey.

I first saw him from far away at a huge work event. I was with my Tita Mary, when I spotted him across a sea of married men and Larrys. I quickly asked"Who is THAT guy?" Her response , "Ehhh...that guy's a dick."

Pretending not to hear, and quite frankly trying to forget that comment, I told myself to be open. What did she really know?

In less than one week, he showed up at my cube, in his adorable accent, introducing himself.

Now, I've been in LA for 6 1/2 years and I have to say that has NEVER happened to me. Okay, maybe once in a bar with some cheeseball, but not a legitimate guy who seems to have it all together. I mean this guy was pursuing me, and I couldn't have been more thrilled to let him know exactly who I was.

The next week he stopped by again, and soon he was following up his daily visits with clever emails. I felt like I was in my very own version of Bridget Jones. Now was he Daniel Clever, or Mark Darcy? Of course, I immediately sent all communication to my Mary coworkers, confirming that he was in fact flirting.

One thing led to another, and I found myself having a date with the cute, single British guy. We met for a drink before going to a movie, and I dropped him off afterwards. It was all great. We even shared the same love for vodka, and he was was a self-admitted lover of red heads. He didn't even try to kiss me that night - what a gentleman, right?

Well, we soon lined up another date and I took him to my favorite sushi place. And I'm not quite sure what it is with me, guys, and cars, but once again I found myself in shock. I really promise that I'm not a superficial girl when it comes to cars, but what is it with these tacky ones? Hot, sweet, charming appropriately predatorial British boy drives a MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE ... CONVERTIBLE!

So I thought to myself (AGAIN) "Mary don't be so judgemental." Well that would have even been okay, if it weren't for the fact that he kept referencing "how cool his cahhh is." I'm not even exaggerating when I say that he worked it into any conversation. "I don't mind driving , because I have such a COOL CAHHH." "This sushi is really great. It'd be better in my cahh." (Okay, he didn't say the last part, but you get what I mean, right?)

The next day I was in my Tita Mary's cube rehashing the date, and when I got to the "cool cahh" part of the evening, my fears were confirmed. She gave me the side tilt "ehhh, not the best we were looking for" face.

Well being the determed girl that I am, I agreed to go out with him again. I mean, so what if he was in love with his cheesy car. He's British. We went to a movie and again had a nice time, but then were iming at work and he said "I'm listening to Gloria Estefan's 'Anything for You.' When I was younger I used to cry whenever I heard this song."

You might not know this about me, but I have a huge distaste for Gloria Estefan, and all her music. I know the woman's been through a lot, but "Come on baby do that conga," is never appropriate. It's just not something I could deal with -- a true non-negotiable, deal breaker. I immediately ran to my Maryleine's cube, then to my Larry's cube, unsure of how I would break this to them. Because, honestly, admitting it to them, meant not only that he has bad taste in music, but I'm judgemental. I was oddly freaked and they both felt I was overreacting. But I just couldn't help myself. I am open-minded and can deal with a lot, but not a cheeseball. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at reading people, that I wasn't so specific in what I want.

I also forgot to mention that he lived at a Holiday Inn for 7 months and would hang out at Marie Callendar's on the weekend. With all of that combined, I just couldn't do it. No matter how cute he was, it just wasn't going to happen.

There would be no more rides in his cool cahh.

Got Date Shirt?

Every girl knows that meticulously piecing together the right outfit is essential in setting the tone for an upcoming date. If it's a first date, that means you need even more time to present the perfect you.

I was recently (recently being approximately 11 months ago) on the search for the perfect Saturday night "Date Shirt" with my Tita Mary. We met after our weekly therapy sessions and settled down to business. First off, it was our ritual meal of chilaquiles, where upon we discussed the needs of the shirt -- stylish, sexy, and soft to the touch - without looking like you tried too hard. Let's face it, guys can hardly remember the color, let alone the outfit, but it's not really for them, is it? A Date Shirt makes us feel sexy, confident, and that my friends is very important when putting your best you forward!

After a breakdown of the upcoming evening and armed with full bellies, we stumbled out into the sunlight, ready to conquer. First off - Anthropologie. This is probably one of my top ten places to shop. Their clothes are feminine, elegant, yet approachable. The only bad part is that their prices aren't. After several trips around the store, my arms were piled with possibility. My Tita Mary was the perfect accomplice -- she waited patiently while I tried on cream shirts, black shirts, cream shirts with rouching, silky blouses, fitted tees, and the oddball potential date dress. She was even there for the mini-freakout, talking me down from the ledge with "Are you kidding? You look beautiful! You're amazing, etc." We all know that is just part of Girl Code. It's what a Mary does - when it gets ugly, compliment, compliment, compliment! A few minutes later I was calmed down enough to look at my thighs in the mirror without cringing. This was perfect timing as I spyed another co-worker of mine, who was also trying on her slew of Date Shirts. Clearly, Anthropologie is the drug of choice.

Even though I had found a true front runner (cream shirt w/ rouching that cleverly disguised pooch), I still wasn't sold on the $60 price. So, we headed back out. Maybe it was low blood sugar, maybe it was just a mistaken case of identity, but we ended up walking into Abercrombie & Fitch. I know, I know. I quickly realized my blunder as I am greeted at the door by a 1/2 naked 16 year old model boy. I think to myself "Where are the flannel shirts and khakis? This is clearly not like my college years. I don't know this place at all!"

After entering the dark lair of prepubescent teens (does that make them tweens?) Tita Mary and I deadlock, staring into each other's eyes, not because the naked man child wannabe has turned us on, but because there is no possible way to communicate with techno music BLASTING from every angle. It feels like I've been teleported into a nightmare and if my potential date smells anything like the dirtee cologne oozing from this place, I am in for a rough evening. Disgusted and on the verge of a panic attack, we ran out, forever scarred.

A few minutes later I was checking out at Anthropologie, delighted to pay the $60.

** And I must say that the Date Shirt was well-received. It got me a call the very next day, but then again, maybe that had more to do with me!

Apparently Date Shirts are important for men, too. Check out this clip from Friends. You can see how disastrous the wrong choice can be!

The Genesis of Mary

Just like Larry, Mary also came from "Pecker." And it's pretty clear from this scene that the two were meant to be.

Many might think of Mary as a gay term, but Mee Maw Maw sets them straight.

I was hooked after hearing Martha Plimpton's line: "Oh Mary, I'm a model!"

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