My Date in the Rumble Bee

So, this online dating thing. It was alright. I avoided the guys with their shirts off, any picture of a guy’s car, the shots of a cheeseball in some obnoxiously lame Halloween costume posing for the camera --- I don’t know if any of you have tried Match, but if you had you know that that brought my selection down to about 2 guys.
I emailed with this guy who was 26 -- a little too young for my taste, but he was cute. Strangely enough my girlfriend said she knew him. Her friend dated him. He was SO nice, SO sweet, SO cute, and drove this SO cool vintage truck. I’m not really a truck girl (or a car girl for that matter), but I figured why not?
I was really brave and decided to make the first date, a Saturday night date. He even came to pick me up. He was tall. He was cute. I checked out his outfit and he was wearing good jeans. I was pretty psyched, right?
You can imagine my surprise when I’m walking to his “vintage truck” and find myself staring at this gigantic bright yellow pick up truck….with an angry bee decal. And, oh, it gets better …. It has a name..it’s called the RUMBLE BEE! Yes, so here I am VERY confused as to how this is considered vintage. But, whatever. Later I learn that his SO cool vintage truck was totaled and he is now driving this bright yellow and black, HEMI engine, massive mobile through the streets of LA. Oh, I forgot to mention, he’s from Kansas.
I'm trying to stay positive thinking “Mary, you’re so picky. Get over yourself.” For a few brief seconds I'm thinking "So what. HE drives a massive taxi cab yellow truck. Who cares?" We get to the wine bar, it’s cool --- not crowded, good music, good lighting. We sit down in a booth with our bottle of wine and chocolate truffles. And I'm thinking "this is nice."
I'm enjoying my glass of wine when all of a sudden this song comes on. He looks at me all wide-eyed and says “How spontaneous are you?”
I quickly say “Not very. Why?”
He says “DANCE WITH ME.”
I look around, NO ONE is dancing here. It is barely full. I’m not drunk enough, he’s not cute enough, it’s just not happening.
So I respond coyly ”Umm…No….I don’t think so.”
And he come back full-throttle – “DANCE WITH ME!”
Again, I’m like “No…No…that’s okay.”
This time his eyes look like he’s going to explode and he says “COME ON! DANCE WITH ME!”
All of a sudden, I scream out “No! I can’t! I’m not the girl that dances in empty bars!”
He pauses. Looks at me, WINKING and says “That’s okay. Your loss.”
Seriously. This kid just winked at me. What do I do now?
Apparently nothing as he proceeds to self-proclaim “Well, I’m just a hopeless romantic. That’s what I do. I’m the guy who would show up at your house in a limo with roses and want to take you out to dinner.”
And, I’m thinking “Well, I think limos are kind of tacky and I’m not really a fan of roses.”
But, right now I’m just trying to make it through the night.

The situation is not getting any better, so what do I do? Oh, I make it worse by agreeing to go back to his place. I know, I can’t even justify it.
So, here we are, back at his place. He proceeds to show me THREE framed PROM photos. Yes, that’s right. He is a 26 year old man living alone….with photos from his prom on display. And, if that doesn’t make it worse, he had this sort of paper collage on his wall. I honestly tried to erase the images from my mind, but I do distinctly remember a BRIGHT PINK photocopy of two blondes wearing big black sunglasses saying “Good luck in LA!”
So at this point, I’m thinking. Alright. It can’t get any worse. Right? WRONG!
He’s like “Wanna watch my reel?”
Oh god! Just what every girl wants to watch at 1 am --- an acting reel full of student films, maybe low-budget commercials, direct to dvd shorts!
Resigned to the next 10 minutes of HELL, I say “sure.”
So, after sitting through this really cheesy commercial where he’s a dorky guy wearing some love cologne that makes him irresistible, having all the ladies desiring him, and then some “indie film”, I’m like “Okay, I can do this. A few more minutes and I’m out of here.”
Well, it gets worse. The next film is a short that was straight to DVD…where he is playing the role of a mime. That’s right. A mime. And he’s not just any mime, he’s tied up and being beaten by an angry clown with a mallet. But the kicker? He can’t scream, because HE’S A MIME. It’s just a nightmare for any woman, because deep down we all want to be dominated sexually….and here’s this guy playing a weak, mute, painted-face character!
So I sit through that, and believe me, it was BAD. It involved him finally killing the mime and then laughing. The best part about that is that he had the worst laugh ever, so while the credits are rolling it’s all I can hear.
So, it finishes. I wait a minute. He’s like “Do you want to spend the night?” I’m thinking “NO! I have to get the fuck out of here and I’m hoping one of my girlfriends is up right now because I am in need of some serious therapy!”
But, I politely yawn, telling him I need to get home. He’s like “You can sleep on the couch?”
“No. I have to go.”
“We can cuddle.”
“No, I have to go.”
It’s just like the damn dance. So, finally he walks me out. Kisses me goodbye --- yes, I felt that was the very least I could do.
A week later I emailed him telling him he was a GREAT guy, but I just don’t think I’m the girl for him. After all, he’s 26 and still wanting to go to the prom, and I’m the girl that’s not dancing.